T'is the season to beat people up

I am not seriously going to beat anyone up (except in my mind where I am strong and have an exceptional right hook) but over the holiday season some tension can build within the family making me want to go bat shit crazy and beat them with the turkey legs less then happy and exceedingly uncomfortable keeping my mouth firmly shut.

There is this person not related to me in any way family member who thinks very highly of themselves. They are the best cook, best sewer, best present buyer, best carrot cake maker, and the sun shines from their butt best holiday decorator. The Chef has a close and loving relationship with this person, but I have taken many many years to understand their bat shit crazy ways uniqueness.

I enjoy cooking. Its not a secret or a surprise, after all the Chef and I did meet in cooking school so I must be able to do more then boil water a simple meal or two. Christmas dinner is my responsibility, and I love doing it. Nothing is more satisfying then stuffing bread up the ass of a turkey and roasting that bird until its juicy providing your family with a meal cooked with love. I will be honest, I make a DAMN good turkey and I am ALWAYS proud of my turkey. So proud I take pictures.

  I cant find a picture of a turkey as they are all on my old computer  so here is a picture of maple bacon doughnuts instead.

But do not, under any circumstances mention this to the family member! Because you will get this simple, curt and bloody rude direct reply "Mines Better".

I made carrot cake muffins once..... "These were good. Mines better, of course"

The CHEF made ribs once... "These were delicious but Mines better"

Trust me. Not much is better then these ribs.

So every year when I hear this little psychopathic phrase which rings in my ears like a thousand squeaky toys saying, I smile, shrug and nod....once. (I then change the topic in light speed time) But this year.. its going to be different, this year I plan of saying get over yourself bitch, you ain't so great "yup, guess so".

AND THAT... I call progress.